“When I realized I had no control… that was when everything changed. There are a lot of things I have control over, but there are a lot more things that I have no control over. When you’re no longer afraid of death, there are a lot of things you’re not afraid of anymore.”

I clasped my hands together in my lap and stared at them. My heart felt like it was being squeezed into parts. Teeny parts that I hoped I’d be able to put back together again. The thought that I did the same to him just made it even worse. I put my hands to my stomach as if it would somehow relax me or hold me together.

I closed the door, leaned my back against the wall and took a few deep breaths. How had he made me feel that way? Made my heart jump and made me want to be closer to him? For most of the year he’d fit into a tidy box of other brother and protector. The lines suddenly felt all blurry and I didn’t know what to do next. Or if there was a “next.” Did I want to face him? Did I know what I wanted? Was there any chance of him feeling the change between us that I had?

My throat tightened, and I got tears in my eyes. It was their moment, not mine. I wouldn’t get to have this moment for myself. The pain of the realization hit me like an unseen force that felt like a brick wall.

My stomach twisted in knots, not over what he said but the way he said it. The way he looked at me. Like I wasn’t his sister. I knew what he was going to say, or I knew some of what he was going to say. Once the words were out, there’d be no going back, no friendly - - - - - because things would be different. Could I give that up? What would it change?

First - I love that I wrote a good, Mormon guy who has tattoos, a son, and works in a bar.

Second - I love how close Leigh is with her brother.

Third - I love that Leigh has a grasp of all these larger than life concepts, but when it comes to boys, she’s hopelessly clueless.

The Legends of the Fall soundtrack - James Horner

(I have to have a few songs with no words when writing)

One Last Breath - Creed

Come to Jesus - Mindy Smith

(this felt like something Leigh would like to sing)

Some older stuff:

All You Wanted - Michelle Branch

Everywhere - Michelle Branch

The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson

Easy Silence - Dixie Chicks

Lantern Light - from a musical

(the above songs were all specifically for Leigh)

Don’t Panic - Coldplay

(probably my second most used)

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

Wonderwall - Oasis

(I hope you listen to this song - the lyrics were part of the original manuscript, but it’s a pain getting the rights to put lyrics in a book - my most used song)

Nothingman - Pearl Jam

Better Man - Pearl Jam

Push - Matchbox Twenty

Now My Feet Won’t Touch the Ground - Coldplay

One Headlight - The Wallflowers

(one of my all-time favorite songs)

Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty

Green Eyes - Coldplay

ONE - The quote and story that Brian shares the first night the whole group of them get together. That was all me and my story.

TWO - “Squeeze me to parts.” From Nathan. My son, Jack, used to say that.

THREE - Leigh’s bench in Temple Square - hers is by the restoration of the priesthood statue. Mine is somewhere else... but I always go there when I’m in town. HUGE meaning for me. Different from Leigh’s, but huge.

FOUR - A good friend of mine has Brian’s tree tattoo. LOVE it. Had to do in a book, so Brian’s tattoos were born.

FIVE - Leigh’s love of Godfather’s Pizza in Cedar City. Mike and I used to go there a lot in college, for our undergrad and then years later when he was in law school in Las Vegas.

SIX - When I was in college, I used to totally fall asleep to QVC. It was the first time in my life that I’d ever had cable.

SEVEN - My husband’s MP Unit was I Corps, 571st, Dragon Fighters.

This idea for this book started out as a total comedy about a girl who goes to college and doesn’t want to be involved with anyone and has no interest in marrying for YEARS yet.

The more I thought about Leigh’s story, who she was, and what made her want that fierce independence, I realized that her story was very different from the one I was going to tell.

The first scene that I wrote in this book was Leigh, being proposed to, and being totally caught off-guard. It happened on the temple grounds. It was the first part I wrote, and the last part I took out. So, I always find it interesting when something I started with doesn’t make the final cut. The books is better for it. I LOVE the way her story ends.

All of my characters names stayed the same in this one. Miraculous, but true.